healthy parent-child relationships

Know the one thing parents need to give to their children

Beth Sampson

Author of Relationship Rights (and Wrongs) 

Last week I spoke at the 4^th Biennial Wisconsin Fatherhood Conference and the week before to Girl Scouts and their mothers.  When I asked both groups, “what’s the one main responsibility parents have to their children?”  Many gave answers such as:  food, shelter, clothing, education and love.  All of their answers are very real needs of a child.  However, there are many ways to get food, shelter and clothing or to complete education later in life.  It is not a matter of being rich or poor, because children can survive on very little as long as they know they have a loving caregiver.  So, what is the one thing that parents have a responsibility to give their children?  Self-worth. 

A person’s self-worth is shown in one’s self-esteem, self-confidence and self-concept about who he or she is as an individual.  This is something that is developed throughout childhood and goes with a person all through one’s adult life.  And when a person’s self-worth is not developed or even hurt as a child, it is much harder to make up for it later in life than education or many other childhood needs.  Numerous researchers and authors have written about this including Alice Miller, John Bradshaw and Nathaniel Brandon for more in depth details. 

4 Points to help develop a child’s self-worth

1.  Let your child be a child. 

Children are not little adults.  Parents cannot expect children to think or behave like adults.  At each age children abilities and capabilities grow.  As parents, we need to know and understand reasonable expectations for each stage of our children’s lives, whether they are infants, toddlers or in elementary school, middle school or high school.  All of this information is readily available in books, libraries or even by talking to a pediatrician.  Children will feel good about themselves, if we support age appropriate expectations of them.

2.  Know the difference between discipline and punishment. 

• Discipline comes from Latin meaning to teach, to guide or to instruct.  Jesus had disciples, because he was their guide and teacher about life.  Discipline takes time, because it takes time to teach.  However, once a lesson is learned, it is understood and comprehended.  I remember reading many years ago, “never discipline your child unless you have the time to do it.”  Because, the important part of discipline is that your child learns a lesson that he can use in the future and feels good about himself for the act of learning. 

• Punishment also comes from a Latin word, but its meaning is to cause pain or to hurt.  Now, Jesus didn’t have punishers, he had disciples.  When a child is punished, a child isn’t taught how, why, or what to do differently.   And with repeated punishment, a child learns hurt and fear of a loved one.   The hurt isn’t just physical, it becomes emotional hurt too. 

3.  Teach children how to make good decisions and then let them make decisions.

I know this may sound strange to some parents who want to just tell their children what to do.  Children, like adults, want to feel as though they have some control over their lives and want to feel good about their choices.  However, unlike adults, we need to limit the choices children have.  For instance, if a young child doesn’t want to take a bath, the choice isn’t whether or not to take a bath.  The choice may be:  what color wash cloth do you want?  Which bath toys go into the tub? Or what kind of bubble bath?  As children get older, let children make a list of the potential positive results and the negative results of a decision before making it.  This will help guide a child’s thought process for future decisions when you’re not there and they’ll feel good about themselves and the decision- making process.

4.  Give your children more support for the positive things they do, rather than criticize the negative.

We should be our children’s best cheerleaders.  We are there to support our children and not to take them down.  They say that it takes five positive statements to counteract one negative statement.  Children would much rather learn through praise than criticism. 

The more children feel good about themselves, the better self-worth they will have.

Let your actions be guided by:  How does this action help my child develop self-worth?

Relationship Rights (and wrongs) was a finalist for ForeWord Magazine’s Book of the Year Award.  It’s available at most area book stores and on line at Amazon or relationshiprights.com.  Beth Sampson can be contacted for speaking engagements by calling 414-517-6222.  If you have a story or questions you want answered, go to beth@relationshiprights.com and write “Healthwise” in the subject line.